Thursday, December 9, 2010

Searching For Signal: #181 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 13

Okay, so we start out right after the Tribal where NaOnka and Purple Kelly completely lost their minds and chose to quit the game, irritating everyone, especially Jeff Probst, who gets all pissy if anyone dares to leave voluntarily. Back at camp, we see Holly going off in a sidebar. (“There are only 11 days left. It’s unbelievable!” Then Holly gets distracted by a pair of shoes just sitting around unattended, and she makes plans to sink them as soon as possible.)

Cut to Benry and a couple of others messing around with the one remaining chicken. He decides to christen the bird “Kelly-Nay”, because both Purple Kelly and NaOnka are chickens. This is actually kind of funny, but the chicken is not amused.

Sash in a sidebar, where he’s fussing about the sudden death of his alliance. Dude, why are you fussing? You got all high and mighty thinking you were running things, and then everything went south in about 15 minutes. This is what happens on “Survivor”. Did you bother to actually watch the show before you signed that release agreement?

Roll opening credits.

Sash runs up to Chase, Fabio and Benry as they are standing around and practicing their poses for the “Hunky Men of Survivor” calendar. Sash: I’m gonna play the Idol at the next Tribal so it will remove that target off my back. The other three just look at him, wondering how somebody can get THAT skinny and not fall over when the wind blows.

Sash in a sidebar: I’m gonna do what’s best for me. (Good idea.) Then he goes off about how he’s the swing vote between the two remaining alliances, that people need to make him offers, and then he’ll decide which way to go. (Pompous, much? Your undeserved self-love is going to cost you in the end. Just sayin.)

Chase and Sash. Chase: Our best interest is to go with a woman. (Sash just looks at him as if he’s never considered that option, on the island or off.) Sash: “Jane is the only person that can beat us in the end.” Then Sash gets all clingy: “Will you still take me to the Final?” Chase agrees to do so. (Probable lie, but who knows.) Then they talk about how Holly (for sure) and Sash (not so much) should get to go on the next Reward, whatever it is. Chase agrees that Sash should get to go because he hasn’t been in a long time. (This will prove critical later. Stay tuned.)

And imagine this, it’s time for the Reward Challenge that they were just talking about. Great editing, Survivor Team! (So how come “The Amazing Race” always beats you at the Emmy Awards? Just wondering.)

Anyway, Jeff explains that this Reward Challenge is a chance to “revisit some of the past challenges”. It’s a multi-part thing, with folks running about and doing combined former challenges. The first 4 to finish the first round advance, then the first 2 to finish the second round compete in a final round for Reward. The prize is some quality time at a private resort, where they get to spend the night in luxury, with peasants giving them massages and lots of food sitting around waiting to be violated. Survivors ready?

Chase, Jane, Benry and Holly make it through the first round. (Meaning that Sash, Dan and Fabio were once again beaten by older women. Yay!) Sadly, the older women stumble in the second round, with Chase and Benry moving on. In the end, Chase is triumphant. (And I must say that Chase looks amazingly chiseled with a layer of mud accentuating his pecs. We need to see more of that.)

Jeff informs Chase that he gets to take two peeps with him when he travels to this resort where people want to rub their bodies. Chase decides to go with Holly (fair) and Jane (whoops), despite his promise to Sash that Sash should go on a Reward. Uh oh.

Sash in a sidebar: “That was incredibly stupid” on Chase’s part. Yes, it was, from a political perspective. But it was fun watching you be disappointed, yes?

Cut to the 4 losers going back to camp, all muddy and despondent. Fabio tells everybody that “Chase picked the two strategic players”. (Which means that Fabio doesn’t really understand the word “strategy”.) Sash in a sidebar: That was a stupid move. (Got it, Sash.) But he still thinks he can manipulate the remaining three guys at camp to do his bidding. (Are you sure about that, Sash? Cause you look kind of puny leaning against that tree.)

Sash goes to the three guys and pleads his case. I can be with you guys and we can conquer the world. Dan is initially all for this. (Why wouldn’t he be? He’s completely worthless and will side with anyone who keeps him in the game.) But then Dan gets a little mouthy, pointing out that Sash could just as easily “go the other way”. (Sash just looks at him as if he’s always considered that option, on the island or off.)

Dan in a sidebar, which he doesn’t really deserve, but let’s go with it: “People don’t trust Sash after what he did to Brenda and Marty.” As if anybody should trust DAN, who connives to vote for anybody that’s not him.

Cut to Chase, Holly and Jane at the Reward spa, where they are munching on fruit and getting clean. (Not really sure why we had to see Holly nearly naked, but I suppose somebody out there was probably interested in that opportunity.) Jane is totally psyched about getting to sleep in a Tiki Hut overnight, which is a little odd, but we should let her live her dreams.) While Jane is washing the crust off her body in the outdoor shower, Chase fesses to Holly. Chase: “I made a mistake in picking Jane. It was stupid.” Holly: Yes, it was. We’ll talk later.

Back at camp, we have Fabio and Benry. Fabio: We’ve got to convince Sash to go our way. Benry: He’s not stupid. He will. Then Fabio, Benry and Sash are involved in killing Jane’s chicken (“Kelly-Nay”) while Dan relaxes in the shelter like he’s done since Day One, then they all feast. Uh oh.

Jane, arriving back at camp with Chase and Holly, is distraught over the untimely death of her beloved chicken. “They didn’t have to eat her! I did love my chicken.” Then Jane makes a memorial to the chicken, complete with a cross and a heart in the sand made out of shells. (Which should be really touching, and I do feel sorry for her tears, but Jane, the chicken is protein. At some point your feathered friend had to say goodbye.)

Holly, Chase and Jane. Holly: I don’t trust Sash. Chase: We have to make him trust us. (Agreed. But how are you going to do this? Perform a medley of Village People hits?)

The four loser guys wander back into camp (no word on where they might have been when the Reward people arrived back from the spa where people were willing to touch their private parts and make them feel better). Sash is all huggy with Jane and Holly, but doesn’t do so with Chase, because that action might confirm some things Sash doesn’t want confirmed.)

Ben in a sidebar: I’m nervous. I’m not sure where I stand.

Benry then runs to Chase. He fishes for what Chase and his alliance think about who should go home. Chase hints that it should be Fabio. Oh?

Chase and Sash. Chase is apologetic, regretting about “not taking you”. But “I trusted you to come back to camp with the guys” and not waver. (Oh, good spin, Chase.) Sash then fumbles around, making it clear that diplomacy is not one of his better skills, but he wants to make sure that Chase will take him to the final 3 or 2. Chase agrees. Oh?

Then Holly wanders up to the two, fresh from getting her perm restyled at the Coconut Grove Snip and Clip. Who are we voting for? Chase: Benry said we should go for Fabio. Sash: Benry is totally lying to you. Holly: Does anyone know where I can get a Brazilian wax?

Benry runs to tell Fabio and Dan that that the others are talking about Fabio going home. Fabio doesn’t seem to understand what this means, and Dan high-fives himself for once again slipping under the radar.

Benry in a sidebar: You can’t trust Sash. He’s friends with Momma Holly (he is?), but Chase is “my boy” (he is?), and maybe it’s time for a new alliance.

Ben runs up to Chase, Sash and Holly. He’s good with Fabio going home. Sash: It should be Jane or Fabio next. Chase and Holly just look at Sash like he’s lost his mind. Jane? Are you kidding?

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains: You’ll be chained to a long rope, wrapped around this thing that looks like something you would tether a horse to, and you have to untangle yourself to release enough rope so you can run fetch a bag of gold coins. The first 3 to do so will compete in the next phase, where you have to solve a “gold-based” puzzle to win. (What the hell is a “gold-based” puzzle? Is this something the Kardashians have to deal with?)

Off we go, with Fabio, Benry and Sash making it to the final stage. In the end, Sash wins, although Fabio is close behind with the puzzle thing. (Don’t get excited, he’s still stupid, he only got close because he was watching Sash figure out the puzzle.) Sash is safe from eviction.

Shot of creepy birds holding their wings out and planning to devour smaller creatures.

Sash in a sidebar: Now I’m a triple threat, with the Hidden Idol, the Immunity Idol, and the swing vote. I’m in complete control. I can’t wait for the Final Tribal where I win all the money.

Really don’t care for Sash. Sayin.

Fabio to Sash: Will you let me know if my name comes up? Sash: Sure! (Uh huh.)

Fabio in a sidebar: Sash is closer to me than anybody. He’ll let me know. (Uh huh.)

Sash, Chase and Dan. Chase: Everybody’s thinking Fabio. Sash and Dan just stand there, because Sash is playing all sides and can’t remember who he might have lied to, and Dan because he’s too tired to think about actually doing anything with his life.

Sash in another sidebar, with him once again proving his arrogance whilst propped in a tree that he probably needed help in climbing. (I’m guessing Jane gave him a boost while she raced off to save the rainforests.)

Brief squabble at camp, with all the people who are not Fabio trying to decide what to tell Fabio so he won’t be suspicious. Benry thinks it would be better to tell him folks are voting for Holly rather than Jane. Then Benry runs off to impart this news with Fabio, who was too stupid to wonder why everybody was gathered at camp and having a Come to Jesus meeting.

Scene with Sash working Jane, calling her his “second momma”. Jane in a sidebar: It’s Chase, Holly, Sash and me for Final Four. Sash has a great heart. (Oh, honey, we need to talk.) Then Jane runs off to search for the Lost City of Atlantis. And she’ll probably find it.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff can’t help himself when bringing in the Jury, calling NaOnka and Purple Kelly “our two quitters”. They don’t seem to care, since they’ve been sleeping in an actual bed. (And don’t get me started on why they are even allowed to vote on the Jury. This too shall pass.)

Jeff to Chase: Was it such a good move taking Holly and Jane on the Reward extravaganza? Chase: Probably not. Then he flexes his pecs, and it doesn’t really matter.

Jeff to Benry: Concerned that you might be perceived as a physical threat? Benry: Hell, yeah, I’m a threat. (Note to Benry: This is when you need to shut your mouth. Seriously.)

Jeff to Jane: Is Fabio a threat? Jane: Oh, yeah. Well, except for the intelligence part. (Love her.)

Jeff to Fabio: How do you deal with being a physical threat? Fabio: Um, that’s a lot of words, but I think I should say that I’m nice and don’t lie.

Uh huh.

Time to Vote.

1 vote for Holly (Fabio), 2 votes for Fabio (Danny and Benry), and 4 votes for Benry.

Oopsie. Blindside.

Roll end credits.

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