Thursday, December 23, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Nicki Minaj - “Right Thru Me”

This one starts out with a very long intro, with Nicki and her current beau returning from what might have been a party, or at least some place that required the beau to wear a tuxedo and Nicki to wear puffy toilet paper instead of an actual blouse. They march into the kitchen, and she’s all fired up about something that Beau did, waving her manicured hands around and repeating phrases because Beau is apparently not listening. He fiddles with something in the fridge instead of validating her in any way, so she breaks a glass to get his attention. Oh boy.

(Side note: Beau is WAY hot, so he better have done something really major, or Nicki just needs to chill. Unless the police were involved, I’m thinking they just need to work it out.)

As Beau picks shards of glass out his face, Nicki lets loose with her issues. Apparently Beau has been disrespecting her in some way. We only know this because Nicki bellows “stop disrespecting me!” at least 20 times. Beau has finally either had enough, or he’s concerned that more leaded crystal might be headed his way, and he starts to leave. Sure enough, Nicki smashes another glass. (She might as well keep going, because now the set is ruined anyway.)

Beau almost makes it to the door, and then Nicki races up to clutch his arm and beg him to stay. (Okay, Ladies, this is NOT how you do it. Let his ass march on out the door and think about things for a while. If he knows that you’re always going to give in, he’s never going to change. Have you not been listening to Tyler Perry?)

Now that Nicki has changed her attitude and has moved away from other possible projectiles, Beau actually starts to listen. She starts up with that “disrespecting” word again, so she almost loses him once more, but within a bit they are snuggling and loving on one another and we finally get to the song part of the video.

And I guess they worked it out, because they are lying in bed, post-coital, or at least post-nap. Well, Beau is laying there, snoozing. (I get the impression that Beau probably sleeps a lot. When you’re pretty, you don’t waste a lot of time working or wondering what people think about how you look.) Nicki is sitting beside him, caressing his muscular bicep. Then she lays down beside him.

And apparently starts having flashbacks to times when she wasn’t yelling so much. We see Beau looking hot in a ballcap, the two of them strolling along a beach at sunset, more hot ballcap, embracing on the beach, ballcap. You get the idea. Back in the bed, Nicki is singing to Beau in between the shots of erotic headgear.

Then we have Nicki trapped in what might be a giant shower. It’s really not clear what’s going on, but she’s singing behind a glass wall and there’s steam everywhere. She tries to wipe away the steam, but it keeps coming back, which is symbolic of her love for a man that disrespects her. She tries to quit him, but she can’t.

Some new scenes with Nicki wearing an afghan and giant hoop earrings. She’s just trying to get in her car, but Beau seems to have an issue with that. He’s tugging on her arm and bickering. She’s realizing that it’s hard to yell back when big golden rings are banging against your throat. She manages to make it into the driver’s seat, but then he says something really uncalled for, and she hops back out so he can jump in. Poor thing can’t even drive her own car.

Meanwhile, Nicki is still wiping away the steam in the mammoth shower room. How her hair isn’t frizzing into an unruly bush, I really don’t know. She must use some really quality hair products. Whoops, we get a full-body shot of Nicki in this room, and she apparently takes her showers while still wearing her underwear. Perhaps someone should speak to her about that. If no one tells you you’re not doing something right, how will you ever learn?

Shot of Beau standing in some pretty coastal water, with loving droplets splashing up and sizzling on his nipples. Then he’s out of the water, possibly looking for his shirt. Perhaps someone should speak to him about that. If you don’t have anything that needs covering up, why bother?

Okay, he’s back in the water, with Nicki motioning for him to do something. He looks confused. Then she’s straddling him back on the makeup-sex bed, and they are intertwining hands. (He better watch out for those sharp nails of hers, he could lose a finger.) Wait, now we’re back in that kitchen again, with them wearing the outfits that started this video. Not sure why we’re seeing this again.

They go through the same fight once more, and I’m not particularly pleased. I like the other scenes better where people aren’t wearing as much clothing. She smashes the two glasses, then does the Sybil flip-flop where she begs him to stay, blah, blah. (Just in case you were wondering about the status of Shower Nicki and Makeup-Sex Nicki during all this, the producers helpfully give us little status updates during the replay of the glass-smashing. Shower Nicki is still dealing with that steam, and Makeup-Sex Nicki is still straddling Beau and singing like her life depended on it.)

Okay, things are looking up. They finish with the kitchen-fest, and we start seeing shots of Beau dripping wet, somewhere. This can only be a good thing. Oh, he’s in the shower. That’s a good choice. But he’s wearing underwear, which harshes the buzz a little bit. (Why do these people around here bathe without taking off their undergarments? Are they Catholic?)

Quick shot of Nicki sitting on the floor of her closet, her face full of anguish and dismay. I’m guessing that she can’t figure out which shoes to wear in the next scene.

Now we roll into a montage of Beau in the shower, Nicki in the Shower without a Door, both of them on the beach at sunset, and Beau giving Nicki a piggyback ride because she must have gotten tired wearing all that jewelry on the beach and trying to walk at the same time.

Suddenly, Shower Nicki yells “Stop!” several times. I realize it’s part of the song, but it’s still startling considering my naughty thoughts about how Beau really needs to join my gym. Then she starts back in with the singing, so I guess I’m safe.

At 4:34 in the video, Beau decides to baptize Nicki in the River Michael Jordan. I’m not really going to argue with that, because it never hurts to bring people closer to Jesus. He can get you into all the best clubs.

But I guess the baptism didn’t take, because by 4:51 in the video, Shower Nicki is shoving her butt against the glass. I really don’t think the church elders would be in support of this activity. They frown on wetness against clear partitions. Or any wetness, for that matter.

We have a quick montage at the end to catch us up on what all the Nicki’s have been doing, then we freeze-frame on Shower Nicki still trapped behind the glass.

I sure hope she gets out someday.

But until she does, I’ll take care of Beau for her. Don’t worry, girl. I got it.


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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