Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Natalie Imbruglia - “Torn”

Editor’s Note: We have only one fixed shot in this entire video, a partial view of a few rooms in what we’ll assume is Natalie’s house. There’s no story whatsoever, just Natalie and her crew messing with us, so we’ll have to do the time-stamp thing. Here we go…

0:05 Natalie wanders out of her bedroom, wearing a cute little slacker outfit and an even cuter slacker hairdo. She takes her time walking toward us, because it’s her video and she can do whatever she wants.

0:17 Natalie disappears and some guy comes tromping up steps on the right. We’ll call him Ian, because that sounds like a nice Australian name. He must be something of a pig, because he just throws his jacket on a chair instead of hanging it up like any decent guest would do.

0:24 Close-up on Natalie’s face. Yep, she’s still cute.

0:27 The man comes up the stairs again, but this time Natalie comes out of her bedroom at the same time. This is where the video team starts jacking with us, we don’t know it just yet.

0:32 Ian pulls off Natalie’s cute slacker hoodie. She pretends to giggle and act like it’s fun, but you know she’s mad because you never mess with a woman’s couture.

0:39 Ian pokes Natalie on the chest with one of his incredibly long fingers. Natalie takes one look at the length of that digit and decides it would be just fine if he started taking his own clothes off.

0:41 Some short guy suddenly appears behind Ian and moves him over a little bit. Is he the cameraman? The director? Somebody who just likes to relocate people who are taller than he is?

0:46 Ian doesn’t understand how to do jumping jacks.

0:49 Other strange people are now wandering around on the set.

0:52 Apparently Natalie is headed to a track meet after this video thing is done.

1:06 Ian starts to kiss Natalie, but they are both distracted by something to their left. My guess is that the squat little director walked by again.

1:10 Some people are greatly concerned about the placement of a brown leather chair. Natalie is starting to get concerned that it may take three years to shoot this video.

1:13 Ian suddenly remembers that he’s late for his proctology exam.

1:16 He decides the exam can wait.

1:27 A hairdresser decides that it’s critically important that he fluff Ian’s hair right at this moment. The hairdresser must have caught a glimpse of Ian’s fingers as well.

1:36 Ian is bored.

1:38 Natalie and Ian both confess to not understanding quantum physics.

1:43 People are still screwing around with that damn leather chair.

1:47 An illegal immigrant sneaks into the country.

1:54 Natalie starts marching slowly toward the camera, wailing away. Tension builds as we wonder if she’s going to smack her head on the camera lens.

2:00 Quick pause while someone checks to see if Natalie is leaking radiation.

2:03 It apparently takes two stylists to work on Natalie’s hair.

2:05 She doesn’t care for their work, and makes some adjustments.

2:15 Natalie is marching toward the camera again, really close this time. She seems to enjoy doing that for some reason. Is there something written on her glossy lips that she wants us to see?

2:23 Apparently Natalie needs to use the bathroom.

2:27 Maybe not. She might be concerned about the fact that one of the walls behind her is wiggling for no apparent reason.

2:32 Now we can see that set people are trying to strike the set even though Natalie is still singing. These people must be on a really strict time schedule.

2:42 The dumb-ass set people nearly knock over the wall and kill Natalie. She’s a trooper, though, warbling away despite the nearness of death and union workers.

2:49 The back wall starts sliding away.

2:52 Natalie gives the workers a look like they need to get this part done because they’re really starting to get on her nerves.

2:57 Ian marches by with a broom. No idea.

3:05 Ian kisses Natalie. Natalie decides the set workers can do whatever they want as long as they leave the bedroom alone.

3:19 More of Natalie and Ian smooching. He suddenly turns away in disgust.

3:21 Natalie looks at the camera apologetically. Had Mexican for lunch again. Sorry.

3:25 Part of the back wall falls down. George Bush, Sr., is standing off to the side, hoping he can credit for it in the history books.

3:29 Natalie decides that the only thing she wants to do in the world is dance. So she does. Sadly, no one joins her. She doesn’t seem to mind.

3:35 Natalie watches while Ian writes his name on a Styrofoam coffee cup. He must be very anal and possessive. Perhaps you should save yourself some heartache, Natalie, and just nip this relationship in the bud. Control freaks are never sexy in the morning.

3:41 Natalie dances some more.

3:50 Natalie decides that she’s milked all the fun she can out of this gig and wanders off camera, hoping that her next single is a little more inspiring to people who write scripts for music videos. But if not, she’s still cute, and that’s all that really matters…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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