Thursday, December 2, 2010

Searching For Signal: #181 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 12

Editor’s Note: For those keeping score, I didn’t do a review of Episode 11, since it was one of those “recap” things where you don’t really learn anything new although it’s still fun to watch idiots flail and run about. But now we’re back to the new stuff. Here we go…

Since it’s been two weeks, Jeff catches us up on the major highlights of what’s happened so far. (This is an important humanitarian thing to do, since in this modern age we no longer have an attention span that lasts longer than 5 minutes.) Cut to the Libertad camp, where people are wandering back home after totally-surprised Brenda was sent home.

Totally-surprised Purple Kelly goes up to NaOnka. What just happened? Why did we send Brenda home? Why didn’t anybody tell me? Nay: Who are you again?

Throughout all the people tottering around in front of the night-vision cameras, knocking each other out of the way to get a sidebar, we have shots of torrential rain and things floating out to sea.

Sidebar with Purple Kelly: “Now I’m at the bottom of the totem pole.” Then she pauses to wonder if what she just said sounds too dirty to say on family TV.

Holly and NaOnka. Holly: What Brenda said about you? Don’t worry. In one ear and out the other. You good.

Nay in a sidebar: Everybody can kiss my ass. Or something like that. It’s Nay.

Chase and NaOnka. Chase: “It’s you, me, Holly and Jane. Now we gotta get Sash, Purple Kelly, and Fabio.” (Um, what about Danny and Benry? Granted, Dan has been in a coma this entire season, except when food is available, but Benry is something to be reckoned with, mainly because you know he’s bitter about his name and has something to prove.)

Weird shot of NaOnka looking tragic with a distant storm superimposed behind her. Uh oh.

Roll opening credits.

Oh look, it’s still storming. We watch the previously cute little river turn into a raging avalanche of froth, with trees and small, pointless nations being swept into the ocean. Everyone is really sad about this development. Especially NaOnka. She’s crying and stuff, telling us in a sidebar that she’s anemic, and when it rains it causes her joints to hurt. Okay, that doesn’t sound like much fun, but sweetie, does it not rain where you normally live? Doesn’t the same thing happen there?

And Purple Kelly is blue as well, also crying, babbling to Fabio and to us in a sidebar that life is miserable. Total suckage. Fabio in his own sidebar: “You have to find a mental happy place.” (I’m thinking Fabio not only found that place, he’s moved there and is never coming back to the real world.)

The storm finally breaks. The sun shines, the waves recede, and chirpy birds return to frolic and sing. Then Jane kills all of the birds with Marty’s abandoned and crusty headband so she can smoke some bird jerky and make an extra shelter out of the bird bones. In her spare time, she rebuilds the Mayan pyramids.

NaOnka and Chase. She fesses that her heart’s not in the game, and that “I’ve had this key forever”, meaning the Hidden Immunity Idol. So she gives it to Chase. “You my boy.” What was that all about? If Nay’s not quitting the game, then she’s totally ate up with the dumbass.

Holly and Jane. Holly: If Purple Kelly and Nay leave, we still have 4 with Sash and Chase. (Sash? Dude-ettes, what makes you think you can trust Sash?) Then Holly runs off to tell Sash and Chase about the new alliance. They both try to pay attention, but they are completely distracted by her hair. How does she get it to curl that way?

Sash in a sidebar: This new alliance benefits me least. I wish NaOnka and Purple Kelly would stay. (Then Sash trips over his own ego and bangs his head on a rock shaped just like Brenda. He doesn’t get the point.)

Time for the Reward Challenge.

As folks march into the clearing, we can see what looks like giant corpses laid out on morgue tables, so I’m not sure where this is going. Jeff explains: There will be two teams, with members tied together, and they have to carry these giant and very heavy “Gulliver’s” over an obstacle course. If you drop Gully, you have to go back and repeat the previous obstacle. The winning team gets to travel to the “Survivor Cinema” and watch a new movie, “Gulliver’s Travels”, starring Jack Black. (Shameless plug, much?)

The castaways just stare at Jeff. How is that a reward?

Jeff: Oh, and you get to eat movie food, like hot dogs and nachos and popcorn and candy.

The tribe lights up. Let’s do it! They split into teams, with Danny (big surprise) having to sit out so the teams will be even. (He has to pick a team to win, so he goes with the Blue Team.) Holly, Nay, Chase and Benry are on the Blue Team. Sash, Fabio, Purple Kelly and Jane are on the Yellow Team. And off we go. It’s really kind of fun watching these people lug around the giant dead people, and it’s also a very close race, with the lead changing constantly. But in the end, the Blue Team wins. (Which means that Danny has once again done nothing but still reaps rewards.)

While Jeff is congratulating the winners, NaOnka interrupts. “Can I say something?” Jeff nods. Nay: My body is wearing down. This is my last day. I just wanted to go out with a bang.

Jeff is instantly pissed. He never likes it when people quit. Jeff: “Anybody else?”

Purple Kelly: Me, too. I’m done.

Jeff is not accepting this. “I’ll give you the afternoon to think about it. Then we’ll meet at Tribal.” (Translation: You had better not quit or I will cut you.) Jeff: Now, back to the Reward. If anybody on the winning team wants to give up their chance to chow down on movie food, then the whole tribe can take back a tarp and enough rice to last to the end of the game.

All eyes immediately turn to NaOnka, since she’s on the winning team and has already said she’s quitting.

Nay just sits there, not saying a word. (Girl, you are SO wrong.)

Benry even tries telling her that she should give up her spot. Nay couldn’t care less. Finally, Holly volunteers to take one for the camp. Holly glares at Nay as she joins the losing team, then goes OFF in a sidebar. She is DONE with NaOnka at this point.

Cut back to camp. The sad losers are bustling about, prepping for yet another storm and praising Holly for her sacrifice. Holly drags Purple Kelly off to the beach for a reality check. Holly: If you quit, you’re always going to be remembered as “the girl who quit“. You need to suck it up.

Purple Kelly in a sidebar: “I have nothing left to suck.” (Oh my.)

Holly in a sidebar: “I’m starving, but I hope that I’m an inspiration for my children.”

Just saying: Holly’s a bit whacked in the head, but she’s creeping toward a possible win. Jane (my current fave) better watch out.

Cut to the “Survivor Cinema”, where folks are going crazy with the junk food. (The shot of Danny shoving an entire hot dog in his mouth is enough to make anyone fear for their life.) Chase in a sidebar: He’s mad about Nay not giving up her movie pass. NaOnka in a sidebar: “I didn’t give 110% just to give up the Reward.” ( Hold up, skank girl, you’re going home. Why are you being such a selfish pig?) Benry in a sidebar: “NaOnka, please, please, leave!”

Then we have shots of the gang totally cracking up at the movie. Granted, we only get to see a few clips, but it’s enough for me to decide that I never want to see this movie, ever, even if they pay me. (Why is Hollywood producing so much crap these days? Oh, that’s right, the Republicans are blocking any progress in Congress. My bad.)

Nay in a sidebar: “If I stay, I can win a million dollars!”

Brian in a sidebar: No, you can’t. People hate you. Go home.

Time for Tribal.

It’s raining once again, so everybody has to troop in looking all pathetic and drippy. (Strange side note: Why does the Jury (Alina, Marty, Brenda) look so happy and chipper? Did I miss something? They should be pissed.) Jeff to Holly: Tell me how you overcame your desire to quit early in the game. Holly gladly obliges, launching into her diatribe about how Jimmy Johnson helped her find Jesus again. (Or at least a season pass for the Dallas Cowboys.)

Jeff to Jane: What would you like to share with the totally worthless people that want to quit? Jane: You gotta have strength, and I hope they stay. (Then Jane runs off to reinforce the Tribal Council platform using some coconuts and a hip bone that she doesn’t really need.)

Jeff to Benry: What do you think about the skanky ho’s? Benry: I’m frustrated that they’re whining when I know they can make it through the last few days. (Then Benry falls off his stump chair, whacking his head on a piece of Jeff’s ego and screaming that Marty’s headband is about to kill him. No one cares.)

Jeff to NaOnka: Did you ever have a chance of winning this game?

Nay: Yes. I know I did.

This makes Jeff twist off even more, so he revisits the point where NaOnka could have given up her spot to watch a movie so the rest of the tribe could have a tarp and rice. Wasn’t that a bit selfish?

Nay: Nope.

(Shot of Jeff doing all he can not to leap over the fire and throttle NaOnka.)

Jeff: Fine. Time for a decision about who’s going to quit. NaOnka?

Nay: I’m gonna quit.

(Jeff’s so clenched right now that the grinding off his teeth could realign the planet.) Jeff: Purple Kelly?

Purp: I’m gonna quit.

Several blood vessels pop in Jeff’s forehead. Jeff: So, loser bitches, what should we do with your torches since you’re whiny quitters? Both of them: Snuff them out like anyone else. Jeff: Oh, no. I’m going to keep your torches in the Tribal area as a reminder that you quit. (That boy is MAD.)

So Jeff does the snuffing, barely civil to either Nay or Purple, then prominently displays their smoldering torches around the Tribal Hut. Jeff to the remaining tribe: It’s time to step it up and actually start playing this game.

Closing shot is of the Jury, incensed that they were voted out by people who are now quitting. Alina appears to be crying, but I’m not sure if it’s because of the unfairness of her situation, or if she just heard that Ricky Martin finally came out of the closet and he’s not interested in women. Because that was such a surprise.

Roll closing credits.

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