1. “How many people in your party?”
I’m standing here alone. Do you think the rest of them are hiding in the bushes? Or is it pathetic that I dine singly? It’s okay if I do that, you know. No one will be arrested, I promise. Just breathe.
2. “Table or booth?”
Okay, wheel-chair and disabled access aside, why would anyone in their right mind take a table over a booth? I don’t want to sit at a little square on a spindly chair in the middle of the room, while heathens with grease dripping off their chins study me like a museum exhibit. I want something with more structural reinforcements, preferably along some wall where the lighting is poor and traffic is low.
Unless, of course, you have crappy booth seats with little shock absorption. I also don’t want to be menaced by Thunderina the Hyper Bear Cub in the booth behind me, launching my ass into the stratosphere every time she bounces while telling an insipid story about cabbage.
3. “Would you like a nice, cold margarita?”
It’s 9:30 in the morning! I’ll just have a beer.
4. “Would you like an appetizer to start things off?”
I’m not even in my seat yet. I haven’t opened the little booklet that you shoved at me. Can you give me a few seconds to break the crusty salsa seal so I can pry the pages apart and see what you have? (Do you people ever wipe these things down?) Can you just go get that beer and let me get my reading glasses out? Hold your questions.
5. “Would you like to hear the specials?”
Is that a new group? Can you hum one of their songs?
6. “Is Pepsi okay instead of Coke?”
Would you rather have a dildo than the real thing?
7. “How would you like that cooked?”
With music.
8. “Would you like the half order or the full order?”
Look at the size of my ass. What do you think?
9. “I’ll have that right out for you.”
I don’t believe you. You said that the last time and it took three days. I only kept waiting because I was too weak to leave.
10. “Can I refill your water?”
I’ve taken one sip. The glass is basically full. Why do you want to top off something that’s already topped? Surely there’s something you can do back there in that kitchen besides hover and interrogate people.
11. “That is the cutest blouse. I was just saying to my friend Dacie the other day that--”
Go get the manager.
12. “How does everything taste?”
Why? Do you want some?
13. “Would you like more chips?”
Um, we don’t have any chips at our table. Maybe you meant to ask that other table where they are using coasters to scoop out the queso. One of them just yelled “bitch ain’t gettin’ a tip”. Good luck with that.
14. “How are you doing over here? Need Anything?”
In my life? Take a seat.
15. “Can I get you anything else?”
Since you asked, would you mind going to that table over there and explaining to Missing Link and No Teeth that, one, they should never produce any more offspring, and two, no one on this planet is interested in a story about surprise yeast infections. Your tip will double if you really do it.
16. “Save room for dessert?”
Honey, our bellies are so extended right now that the table is not even touching the floor. Flee from here and throw away that stupid dessert booklet that you’re waving about like the crabs are acting up again.
17. “One check or separate?”
We’d like everything on its own ticket, please. Even the water. Tax purposes, you know.
18. “Thanks for coming in, and have a sunshiny day!”
You’re getting a tip. Knock it off.
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