Friday, July 29, 2011

10 Types Of People You Should Be Allowed To Slap Whenever You Want


1. The people who turn left from the far-right lane.

Without using a turn signal. Or slowing down. Or even understanding what a turn is. There you are in your car, secretly listening to Milli Vanilli and singing all the words, when there they go, hurtling across 5 lanes of traffic, tires screeching in pain, and using the median to catapult them into the parking lot of Piggly Wiggly. Dude, there ain’t nothin’ up in there that you gotta have that bad. Relax.

2. Hyper people who insist on drinking gallons of coffee.

Look, you have got to put that cup down before somebody gets hurt. You are already so wired that your nipples are vibrating. There is no reason on this planet for you to continue sucking down the caffeine like a newborn calf that just figured out where the milk comes from. And you’re talking so fast and so high that I don’t even think they‘ve given that decibel level a number yet. Can you not hear the dogs barking and running this way?

3. Complete strangers who think the mere fact that you are standing next to them in line at the burger joint makes you instant best friends.

“Isn’t that the cutest little blouse! I’d sure like to have me one of those. Where’d you get it? Do you think they still have more? Of course, I was talkin’ to Delilah Jean over at the Snip And Flip (she is the only one who can do a perm right in this town, you should go see her, really should) and she was sayin’ that stripes ain’t quite right for my figure, but I don’t know if I should listen to her cuz she does drink a little. And she married that man from Shreveport, and we all know how that’s gonna turn out, don’t we, sweetie?”

4. Otherwise-normal people who take one swig of alcohol and completely lose their minds.

One second, all demure and proper, being very pleasant and conversational. Half a beer and a transitional non-discreet belch later, they’re knocking things over, bellowing at people across the room, laughing at nothing, and trying to show cleavage. Two beers later they’re under the table, insisting on pinching everyone’s toes and singing a ribald song about a leprechaun and two pints of apple butter. Wait until you hear snoring and then leave.

5. People who should really just go ahead and marry their smart phone.

I just don’t understand these folks that can no longer function in society unless they are fingering their device every two seconds. I haven’t seen that much personal affection for an inanimate object since a certain blue movie back in the day involving lusty farmhands, a variety of gardening implements, and some very limber positioning choices.

6. People in neighboring cars who have their thumping radio turned up to meltdown levels.

Death is too good for you. End trans.

7. Tea-baggers.

I’m assuming no explanation is necessary.

8. Self-pity posting in social media.

I’m so sorry that you’ve had a bad day. Really. Hope it gets better. But now that we’re talking, I thought I should point out something. Every single day seems to suck for you. You know what this means? You’re doing something wrong in your life. Uh huh. So stop doing whatever that is. And then you won’t be so blue. Yay!

P.S. But let’s not post again until you’ve managed to make the mean people go away, mmmkay? That will make everyone smile. If you’re not sure what “smiling” is, I can provide a link. Thank you.

9. The clueless parents who don’t understand that their poorly-supervised child could possibly destroy civilization as we know it.

Dear Mom and Dad. At the next table in this fine restaurant. Your offspring is currently terrorizing the rest of us with his screaming, throwing of utensils, and general ability to help folks comprehend why some animals eat their young. All of which you are ignoring as if Damian was not dining with you. Perhaps you should know that I’m not from that Hillary village where everyone joyously assists in the platonic upraising of a child. I’m from the village down the road, where we firmly believe that people who did not participate in the conception of a child should not have to suffer in any way. Would you like a brochure?

10. The eye-witness idiots they always manage to interview on the nightly news.

“I seen everything! Sure did. I was up in the car with all of my nine babies and I was tryin’ to remember they daddy names, ’cause I got bills, sure do, and the tire fell off the car, almos’ broke my other tooth, and here come some man, runnin’. Why he runnin’ ain’t my mess, he just runnin’, all I know, and here come another man and… Joe Dean Three, quit hittin’ on your sister, she tender-headed!… and that other man had him a crowbar. Well, that don’t look good, no sir, don’t never wanna man with a crowbar behind ya, learned that when I was knee-high. And then BAM, runnin’ man ain’t runnin’ no more. Said a prayer to Jesus, I did…. Can I say happy birthday to my momma? She in prison, but they get the TV up in there.”

Really?

8 comments:

  1. Had a hearty laugh on many of these...hiding my head in case I'm case #9...but on a positive note, we hardly eat out with our kids anymore, so problem remedied, I guess. :)

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  2. Hi Lydia,

    Glad you enjoyed it. And as for #9, well, there were five of us kids growing up together at one point, and I can remember being at restaurants where Mom was just concerned about keeping us ALIVE, never mind any social protocol....

    Brian

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  3. Amen to #9. Just a few days ago, I saw a little boy in the store who was throwing a tantrum, complete with rolling on the dirty linoleum and shrieking "I want it" over and over again. I took my sons aside, pointed at the kid, and told them if they ever acted like that I would feed their souls to a dragon. They will need therapy when they're forty, but my kids are very well disciplined.

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  4. Julie, you and my mother would have gotten along just fine. And, btw, none of us has ever needed therapy.

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  5. Oh number 8 hit the nail on the head! I stopped checking FB a long time ago. So many negative people!

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  6. Unknown,

    Yes, Julie has it right. You threaten your kids and they will behave accordingly, never mind all this modernist nonsense about unimportant things like mental health. (Just kidding. Sort of.)

    Anon,

    Yes, number 8 drives me crazy. Why are you saying all that on your page? If it's that bad, go get some help...

    Brian

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  7. Number 9 was on point! I work in a grocery store and I hear/ see a lot of this!

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    1. Hi Anon,

      Isn't it amazing? Back in the day, my parents would have intercepted my thoughts and shut me down before I could even finish thinking about possibly misbehaving. Now it seems like the little whippersnappers can destroy half the county while their parents calmly sip a latte and look the other way... ;)

      B.

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