Sunday, July 10, 2011

Backup Dancers From Hell: Brad Paisley - “Water”

Okay, folks. This is another one of those videos with random clips slammed together, mostly of dumb-asses doing things in or near water, so we’ll have to do the time stamp thing…

0:03 Brad’s guitar floats by in a swimming pool. A script does not.

0:11 Brad swims by underwater, with the guitar now on his back. Did he rescue it? Will there be mouth-to-mouth?

0:14 Lusty people touching each other while water pours over them.

0:16 Brad appears out of a wall of water, wailing and strumming and proving that you can indeed look mighty fine when soaking wet.

0:21 Grainy footage of a man having sex with a giant donut. Fairly certain it’s not Brad, but we all have our secrets.

0:24 Is this how Menudo started?

0:27 First appearance of giant, barely-clad breasts. I’m assuming there will be multiple encores.

0:33 Brad and his entire band jump into a pool, all of them clutching their instruments and appearing to be very excited about doing so.

0:37 Mystifying crotch shot of the drummer playing his drums. Underwater. We’ll just assume that there are going to be rust issues.

0:44 Idiot #1 fails miserably at attempt to swing over water on a rope.

0:48 Idiot #2 learns about erosion and gravity.

0:54 Idiots 3 and 4 are either very clumsy or shot by out-of-season deer hunters with bad eyesight.

0:59 Idiot #5, his inbred cousin operating heavy machinery, and a little thing known as centrifugal force. Good time not had by anybody.

1:04 Overhead shot of three pairs of ginormous hooters. Those things are apparently multiplying. Must be something in the…

1:12 Improper use of a motor vehicle. And a floppy hat.

1:21 Black-and-white footage of women playing musical chairs but not understanding that you should actually HAVE chairs to make this work.

1:31 Alarming documentary footage that The Succubus Woman of Antwerp really exists.

1:38 Idiot #6 totally getting that baptism thing wrong.

1:58 Alarming documentary footage that Fruit-Salad-Head People walk the earth.

2:07 Secret male lovers perform erotic dance back in the day. Don’t ask, don’t shimmy.

2:12 Idiot #7 drives truck into swamp. In certain areas of Georgia, this is considered an official rite of manhood.

2:17 More knockers.

2:30 Horrifying footage of a man inadvertently exposing his special crack. The critical bit is blurred, but the pain is real.

2:37 Startling shot of Brad sporting a neon-orange codpiece.

2:46 More tragic examples of beer and motor vehicles not meshing well.

2:58 The real story of what happened on Gilligan’s Island.

3:02 Idiot #8 is introduced to the concept of looking before you leap.

3:18 Idiot #9 discovers why people wear helmets in the Tour de France. And that boat docks are not necessarily your friend.

3:34 That poor piece of plastic. It will be in therapy for years.

3:48 Codpiece again.

3:58 Dude, those macho boots SO don’t go with your lack of balance and blatant attempt to fall between your buddy’s legs. Points for trying, though.

4:05 Idiot #10 realizes that the “Road Ends” sign was not a vicious lie from the corrupt government.

4:11 Oddly-dressed people sail away in a boat, waving happily at us and not understanding that this will turn into much more than a three-hour tour. And the boat’s name is “Felice”. That’s not a name for a real boat. These people are doomed….

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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