Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Backup Dancers From Hell: Kesha - “Blow”

We start out with a disclaimer that “No mythological creatures were harmed in the making of this video.” Really? That doesn’t bode well. I hope she didn’t try to have sex with them, something that’s always a flight-risk in a Kesha video.

Cut to Kesha and some people with unicorn-heads (not kidding) sitting in a room, drinking champagne while Kesha babbles the details of how she was elected to the Parliament in Uzbekistan (still not kidding). Zip over to Kesha somewhere else, and she kicks off the song, bellowing “Dance!” (which comes as a total surprise, because her songs are rarely ever about partying, right?).

Cut back to Champagne Kesha as a unicorn butler presents her with a tiny snacky thing on a tray. Kesha, perhaps not recognizing food when she sees it, looks questioningly at the butler, who points out a man across the room, who turns out to be James Van Der Beek doing a bit of slumming. Apparently the sight of his unshaven face instantly inspires Kesha to shove the miniscule bit of cheese in her mouth in what she assumes is a seductive manner.

Zip over to Singing Kesha, who rap-sings the song while introducing her signature move for this video, which turns out to be holding her fingers in the shape of a gun and then waving that hand about like she’s Jackie Brown. Zip back to the Room of Unicorns, Cheese and Drinking, where James jumps to his feet, causing Kesha to jump to her feet, because ain’t nobody gonna steal the spotlight in her own video. They glare at each other with a mixture of lust, unfinished business, and high-end couture.

Singing Kesha again, who seems about to justify my fear of her having sex with the animals, as she paws one of the Children of the Unicorn in a suggestive manner, then she licks his snout. Oh my. This foreplay is interrupted so we can check on Champagne Kesha and James as they march toward one another, intentions unclear, as a new herd of unicorns arrive to just stand there and distract us.

Quick shot of a unicorn drinking a glass of champagne. I guess he’s heard the rumor that the Kesha in the other room wants to play naughty reindeer games, so he’s building up his courage. Meanwhile, Singing Kesha continues to wave around her fake hand gun and do an intimate inventory of all her body parts, paying special attention to her port authority.

Back to Champagne and James, where he reaches in his jacket and pulls out… a comb, and tends to his hair with the assistance of some fancy video editing. Champagne responds by caressing a nearby unicorn, and then frenching it. (What is up with Kesha and the need for some Dr. Doolittle Bang-Bang?) They even loop this little snippet a few times so we can confirm that, yep, we’ve got tongue action.

A revisit with Singing Kesha (yes, she still believes that her hand is an actual weapon, poor thing), then back to James, who is inexplicably ripping the sleeves off his jacket while glaring at Kesha, then he rips the rest of it in two and throws the mess on the ground. (He couldn’t just… take the jacket off?) Then he challenges Kesha by doing one of his trademark eyebrow-raises. Insert another cameo with Singing Kesha, who yells the line “it’s time to let the crazy out!”. Honey, that done happened when I pushed play on this video.

Back in the Room of Confrontation and Torn Clothing, Champagne Kesha and James have a short dance-off, with her wiggling her non-existent hips and him managing to thrust his crotch and shove his pecs forward at the same time. Then Kesha reaches into the top of her dress and pulls out… her bra, which she tosses to the side while she smirks and her alter-ego in the Uni-Sex Room continues to be inspired by all the horns everywhere.

James, not to be outdone, reaches into his own shirt and whips out a matching bra, although it takes him longer to toss it aside, so he must like his support garments more than Kesha does. Kesha briefly looks confused (we’ll assume that she didn’t have to take acting lessons for that), then decides the business with his bra was really hot so they rush to the middle of the room for further discussion and the possible appearance of additional lingerie.

They proceed to have a mystifying conversation where they taunt each other, make fun of each other’s names, and analyze muenster cheese. This is probably supposed to be erotic and sexy banter, but I’m distracted by the Horn People in the background who don’t really know what they’re doing in this scene and keep shifting about. Kesha ends the wordplay with “Shall we dance?”

But instead of clenching one another and moving to the rhythm, they go to opposite sides of the room, then suddenly turn and start shooting laser bullets at one another. Well, then, didn’t see that coming. So now it’s all about leaping around to avoid death and making snarling faces as they return fire. (Kesha uses one of the unicorns as a body shield, so I’m sure she got a call from PETA during post-production.)

Wait, it seems that quite a few of the unicorns are getting hit by the bad beams and crashing to the ground, so Kesha probably got more than just a phone call. There are also a few other humans that I hadn’t noticed before until they get shot and go flying through the air. And the most shocking thing of all is the destruction of a completely innocent glass of champagne before anybody got to drink it.

The frantic gunplay comes to an end when Kesha finally manages to hit James in the shoulder with one of the magic bullets, knocking his gun out of his hand and allowing her to waltz up and step on his arm so he can’t reach the gun. He asks for a truce, but she decides that she’s really not in the mood for that and kills him anyway. Cut to James’ head mounted on the wall (“James Van Der Dead”), while Kesha and her Pole-Head buddies are sitting around, drinking more bubbly, and laughing hysterically.

Note to Self: Never party with Kesha. Ever. Unless I have spare bras that I don’t care for anymore, can overlook the bestiality, and don’t mind getting shot.

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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