Okay, folks, we got some horniness up in this grill…
We start out over in that land of Non-Showering Incest People, the former Drug Lab village where Jason got conked on the head because he stupidly bent over. He’s waking up from his little nap, tied to a bed, to find a dirty girl looking at him (“ain’t supposed to talk to you”) and a dirty man-boy tonguing Jason’s hair. Oh? Seems Jason has a nasty gash on his head and the filthy little nurse is tendin’ to the wound, home-style.
Jason makes him stop, but does so nicely, uttering an instantly-classic line: “It’s not that I don’t appreciate all the lickin’.” But Jason would rather have something else, like a band-aid or a hospital. Well, these chilluns ain’t got stuff like medical supplies or sense. Then Jason, squirming around seductively in his bondage and super-tight jeans, tries to convince the Cabbage Crack Kids to let him go. Just loosen one knot and I’ll take it from there.
The kids hem and haw a bit while Jason talks about how they really care for one another. (“You wouldn’t lick my head if you didn’t love me.”) The man-boy (name of Toobow or some such) finally gives in and reaches to do some handiwork with one of the ropes. This instantly triggers Felton to bust through the door, waving a shotgun and being all loud. This is probably not good.
Felton sends the kids a-runnin’, and then gets into a heated discussion with Jason. We learn two things. One, these people sure do love themselves some F-bomb droppin’. Oh, and it appears that Felton reckons he just might kill Jason, and then shoves the shotgun in Jason’s face. Jason and his tight jeans begin formulating Plan B.
Roll opening credits. Liquor stores, revivals and hookers.
Cut to Sookie and her clingy bathrobe still mad that Eric owns her house and stuff. “What do you want?” He wants her. She is not impressed with this option. He babbles about how she smells dang good to other vampires, and he can protect her. If he just wanted her blood, he would have taken it already. And by the way, when she gets all “Fairy Sookie” with her sarcastic remarks, she’s even more fetching. Then Eric and his incredibly-long torso leave to go do something vampiric.
Next up is Bill with the new character, Katie, the one who’s infiltrated the witch coven. They’re discussing the bad news that the witches made the little birdie fly, at least for a few seconds, and that Bill considers Katie’s work with the coven a done deal. (“It’s too dangerous.”) Then Katie unbuttons her shirt, and suddenly the two of them are racing off to jump in the bed. Oh?
Zip over to outside Fangtasia, where there’s a group of protestors waving signs and chanting. Seems they’re a little unhappy about vampires at them moment, with Russell having done that on-air spinal surgery and everything. Pam, looking exceptionally hot in a stylized leather jumpsuit, marches outside, followed by Jessica and Hoyt. One of the protestors calls Hoyt a fangbanger, which leads to Hoyt going off and making some very valid points about the true nature of Christianity. The protestor has no clue about decency, and belligerent ignorance ensues. (Sound familiar?)
Jess and Pam stay out of it at first, until one guy who’s catching all this on his video phone calls Jess a “vamp-whore”. She’s on him in half a second, but Pam breaks them up, trying to send Hoyt and Jess back inside. “Let these good people practice their Constitutional right to be effin’ idiots.” But the first protestor purposely bumps Hoyt, and that’s it. Fists start flying.
Cut to Sam and his naked self running through the woods, just coming out of a nice shape-shifting adventure. He comes along one of his “anger management” girls, Luna, just sprawled on the grass, also unsheathed, and apparently quite proud of her accessories. They flirt for a bit while the cameraman tries to figure out which angle best highlights her nipples. They lean in for a kiss, but then Luna suddenly jumps to her feet, transitioning into a horse before galloping away.
Well, that’s one way to make an exit.
Shot of Sookie marching along, passing through the graveyard like one apparently has to do whenever they go anywhere in this town. Jump to Bill and Katie jumping each other on his bed, going at it in an eye-opening style. We get a lovely panning shot from Katie’s head bouncing off the side of the bed to Bill’s energetic butt. Hoo boy.
Back to Sookie, fighting through Spanish moss and cobwebs before she arrives at Bill’s house. Bill’s remodeled house, that is, not the skanky mess he had last season. There’s nice landscaping and pretty lights and security guards, who surround Sookie and her surprised look. Upstairs, Bill senses Sookie and stops with the aerobics, much to Katie’s annoyance.
In the yard, Sookie learns that Bill is now a king, and you can’t just waltz into his house any time you please. Sookie and her sweater are even more confused, but luckily Bill sends word to his homies that Sookie can come on up. She totters into the house, taking note of all the fine furnishings and electronic gadgetry everywhere as she heads upstairs, probably a little irritated that Bill never picked up the house back in the day when she was using her frequent flier miles.
Strolling into Bill’s room, she finds Bill and Katie clearly re-clothing themselves and looking slightly furtive. (“Your snipers didn’t mention you had company.”) Bill sends the unimpressed Katarina away, but not before Sookie notices that Bill has been dining on Katie’s neck. Bill looks a little sheepish, Sookie looks like she’d rather be having an enema.
Cut to Jesus at Laff’s place, where gaudy flamboyance reigns supreme, as they are discussing the difference between white and black magic. Lafayette is a little unnerved about “stepping in where we don’t belong”. Jesus thinks magic is magic, it’s a matter of how people choose to use it. Then they begin to suck face.
I’m telling you, lust is in the air tonight, people.
Back to Bill and Sookie, where she wants him to do something about this pesky business of Eric owning her. You’re his king! Bill is hesitant. Eric has friends in high places, but that’s all I can tell you. I’ll see what I can do, but it may take some time (because the season just started, natch) so you might want to hole up with another human for now.
Fine. Sookie initially asks how Bill became king, then decides she doesn’t want to know, since past revelations from Bill have never been especially fun, usually resulting in disappointment, confusion, and somebody having to clean blood off kitchen floors. She leaves.
Bill then has a convenient flashback, to 1982 London, where he first met that Vampire League of America blondie, Nan. She’s impressed that he doesn’t kill his victims. We’re impressed that Bill looks pretty hot as a punk rocker with eyeliner. Seems Nan wants Bill to join the growing, underground movement of vamps who want to assimilate with the general population, and that they are on the verge of synthesizing human blood so they don’t have to hunt, an unsavory activity to most humans. Interested?
Bill is, but how do we go about this. Nan explains that they have to infiltrate the monarchies, work from inside. (Similar to how Nan’s hairstylist apparently works.) Bill ponders.
Cut to Merlotte’s, where Sookie is apologizing to the still-truculent Sam for having been gone so long, although she doesn’t bother to tell him what really happened. Someday, I promise. Then Arlene and Terry bang into the place, also apologizing, in this case for having to bring along their baby, unable to find a sitter. (Um, probably because that baby’s eyes are solid black. Think that might be it?)
Sookie doesn’t care about ocular coloring, and proceeds to fawn over the baby, leading to a discussion where Arlene is clearly very concerned that something is out of sorts with Junior but she’s trying to be strong, that Terry refuses to believe such nonsense, and that there are far too many folks in this town having unprotected sex with people and things that they shouldn’t.
Next up is Sheriff Andy driving into the Drug Lab Village, looking all jittery. Felton, genius that he is, realizes that this is not a pleasant turn of events, and sends out Toobow to intercept. (Really? Man-boy is your best option?) Meanwhile, Crystal saunters into the room where they are holding Jason. I love you and I have a plan to get us out of here but right now you gotta shut the hell up. She then stuffs part of his shirt into his mouth to ensure compliance with the not-talking part.
Back to Andy and Toobow, where negotiations aren’t going so well, probably because neither of them can spell that word and therefore don’t know how to conduct them. Luckily, Felton, from his hidey-hole in a shed, realizes that Andy is in withdrawal (he has the same symptoms), so he gives a vial of V to some homeless person that happened to wander into the shed, and sends they guy over to Andy with the present. Andy snatches up the “evidence” and drives away.
Merlotte’s again, with Sam discovering Luna in his office, sitting in a chair and looking sultry. She’s so sorry for the way she acted last night, galloping off right when Sam was almost in the saddle, and she’s ready to make nice. They smooch, then Luna gets Sam’s assurance they can play Old MacDonald later tonight before scooting out the front door. Tommy makes a comment to Sam about Luna’s hotness, but Sam cuts him off and marches away.
In Merlotte’s kitchen, there’s an incident with Arlene being convinced that Junior just made blood vessels in her eye pop, and she runs hysterically from the room. Terry continues to believe that nothing is wrong with the baby, while said baby continues to have creepy eyes that anyone else would take one look at and head for the hills.
Cut to Sookie in her crappy little yellow car (you’d think one of these rich vamps would buy her a decent one) arriving home. Sookie suddenly has a brief vision of that evil Mab Fairy Woman (and a pack of howling friends) coming at her, but then the vision turns into Tara racing up to hug Sookie. Tara looks amazingly good, so they go in the house to talk about the goodness.
Once inside, Sookie discovers a few gifts from Eric. (Tara: “Sookie, you ain’t with him now?” Sookie: “He bought my house, that’s all.”) Eric has also left a jug of blood in the fridge (Sookie pours it out), and a nice armoire thing that leads to a slumber chamber for Eric. Sookie is livid. “He built himself a cubby in my house!” (He built a Mousketeer?) Sookie cuts the reunion short so she can go express her displeasure to the tall one.
Jessica arises from her own cubby to check on Hoyt, battered from the bar fight the previous night. To help him feel better, she offers her blood, but he makes an unwise remark about not needing that stuff. Jessica, deeply offended at the dismissal of her liquids, takes Hoyt’s pickup to go get him some aspirin, supposedly. Instead, she drives the other way, headed to Shreveport and Fangtasia and something that Hoyt will probably not care for.
Tara arrives at Laff’s house, just as he and Jesus are about to head out for the evening. Hey, girl, so good to see you, lookin’ fine, wanna go to a meeting with a witch coven? Hop in!
Eric shows up at Bill’s, apparently having been summoned. Bill wants Sookie’s house back. Eric is not interested and turns to go. Bill wants Eric to check out a new coven. Eric continues turning to go, not interested in a common coven. Bill explains that this coven briefly brought a bird back to life. Eric freezes. This is quite unpleasant news. It seems that witches who can control the dead can also control vampires.
Oh?
Eric races off the check out the coven as Bill has ordered, but not before first being overly dramatic at taking leave of “my king”.
This triggers another flashback for Bill, with him recalling his final encounter with former Queen Sophie Anne, the one where we left them floating in the air. Seems Sophie was indeed stronger than Bill, being older and all, so Bill has her taken down by snipers with silver and wooden bullets. Sophie becomes soup.
Nan steps out of the shadows and proclaims Bill the new King of Louisiana. (After he swears that Sookie means nothing to him now. Interesting.) Okay, got it. Thanks for finally clarifying that angle, Bill. Now, there are about 50 other things I’d like you to explain.
Whoops, no time for that, we’re off to Fangtasia, where Sookie is trying to convince Pam to convince Eric to give her back the house. Pam scoffs at Sookie for attempting this (“he’s my maker!”), then tries schooling Sookie on the benefits of being Eric’s bitch. Sookie is over that, so Pam saunters away, looking amazingly drag-queenish from behind, while Sookie sits and waits for Eric to return from wherever.
Jessica pulls up outside Fangtasia, strolls inside, lets her hair down, quickly finds the little stud boy who gave her the eye last night, and runs to join him. Hmm.
Over to the coven, where one of the women is babbling about the excitement over the bird-raising. Jesus is thrilled, Laff is noncommittal, and Tara is not impressed with the show. Then Marnie announces that the next project will be rejuvenating “a person”. Everybody in the group is not thrilled (well, except for one guy with a ponytail, with his paltry single line of dialogue). Tara has had enough and goes outside.
Cut to Sam and his pack of friends, sitting at a campfire. They chat a bit, then Luna fesses up that she once shifted into her Mom, who died at Luna’s birth. Oh? And there’s more, some mess about Luna being raised as an Indian, with stories of “skin walkers” and evil witches and general unpleasantness. Luna very possibly has some serious issues.
All of this hilarity is interrupted by the four of them hearing something in the nearby woods. Sam races to investigate, spies Tommy, who shifts into a bird, so Sam shifts and catches him, causing them to both shift back, and suddenly we have naked men falling from the sky. (What’s the address of this town again?)
So they stand there naked, forcing us to really concentrate on what they are saying. Tommy’s still pissed. Sam is still pissed. But Tommy would really like to work it out. Sam finally offers to try a baby step at a time. But first they should probably find some clothes, yes?
Next we’re outside the Moon Goddess Emporium, with Tara chatting to her girlfriend back in Nawlins. They miss each other. Of course, since Tara’s been lying to her girlfriend about everything, the girlfriend really doesn’t know what she’s missing.
Cut inside, where Laff is wondering just where the hell they are going to find a dead body. Conveniently, Eric walks through the door. Of course, he’s not volunteering his own services, but instead came to call so he could change the evening’s program of events. Glares are exchanged.
Quick return to Fangtasia, where Sookie catches Jessica fanging her new beau in the ladies’ room. There’s heated discussion (Sookie is not pleased about Jess’ activities, Jess is not pleased with Sookie nearly destroying Bill emotionally with her absence, the person in stall 3 is not pleased with the jammed toilet-paper dispenser) and ends with Jess proclaiming “I can eat who I want!” Sookie hops in her ugly car and drives off into the night.
Back to Moon Goddess, with Eric letting folks know that the coven will not be meeting again. Ever. Marnie does not care for this option, arguing. (Laff cautions her to hold up, girl.) Tara wanders back in, done with her lying phone call, just as Marnie gets uppity and demands that her coven join hands to fight. Eric snatches her up and bites her, the serious biting that means this is not just a snack, and Marnie is going down. Fast.
The rest of the coven (except Lafayette and Tara) grab hands and start the bring-back chant. Tara, fairly stupidly, finds a handy wooden stake-thing and tries to jump Eric, but he catches her and quickly decides that she will be course number two on the menu. Laff quickly joins the circle, chanting his ass off, suddenly thinking that rejuvenation is pretty nifty after all when your cousin is about to kick it. The incantations get louder as Eric descends on Tara’s neck.
And he suddenly stops. Marnie is alive. And Marnie is pissed. As she chats in some language, her image flickering to that of another golden-eyed woman, Eric stares around in wonder, apparently drained of willpower and adequate hair product. He turns and runs out the door. Marnie snaps out of her apparent trance. “What happened?”
Cut to Jason and his bondage. Crystal and Felton come in, all happy and such. Guess what? We’ve been having trouble doing our part to keep our inbred panther family going strong, so we’ve decided you need to be a panther person too so we can breed with you and make panther babies. Yay! Then they transition and start chewing on Jason. And not in a good way.
Final bit is Sookie rolling along in that toy car, when she spies Eric, shirtless, walking along the side of the road. She rolls down the window. Yo, what’s up with your long-waisted self?
He has no idea who she is.
But he does know that she smells pretty damn good.
Roll end credits.
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