Monday, July 18, 2011

Backup Dancers From Hell: Kristin Chenoweth - “I Want Somebody (Bitch About)”

We start out with Kristin, in a tight black getup and looking effortlessly cute, marching into what we’ll assume is a hair salon, since people are sitting around getting their hair done and all. She’s a bit noisy and rambunctious, but that’s fine, because we know she’s going to charm us, and the other ladies agree, smiling and waiting for the cuteness.

Kristin and her tiny self take a seat, then she begins to warble the song to her neighbor, a pleasant enough woman with pearl necklaces and a lapdog and the exact same brand of hair color as Kristin. I guess Kristin is offended by the matching, so she turns to her other neighbor, a brunette and therefore less capable of stealing the spotlight. Then Kristin just gives up and sings to everybody, because that’s all she was ever meant to do.

At this point, the back row of girls start doing choreography with their magazines and such, which is really fun, but they keep it low-key to avoid any animosity from their sisters. Turns out Kristin has her own choreography, where she gets to whip her legs around and we get flashes of the sexy red color on the bottom of her shoes.

As we break into the first sample of the chorus, the whole place is bopping and having the best time of their lives. The camera pulls back so we can see that the salon is even larger than we expected, with a whole cadre of women in the throes of a modified Lilith Fair Estrogen Fest. When the folks in that back row do a Busby Berkley bit of mess with their legs, the show instantly goes SRO for the rest of the run.

We finish up this set piece with Kristin petting the lapdog (always a good PR move, any competent actress knows this), Kristin waving those bottom-colored shoes again (when something’s a hit, use it again until they stop buying tickets), and Kristin waving her index finger to the beat (minimalist dancing is the new black, especially when you are already wearing black and you look flawless). End scene.

Next up is Kristin reclining on a couch in a fabulous, modified art-deco hotel lobby, where the other guests have been conveniently whisked away and it’s just she and her trio of devoted gay chorus boys. (Kristin loves her gay-gay’s, yes she does!) While she’s warbling, the boys pretend to want her and she pretends to not want them, and it’s all in good fun because we know the sexual mathematics are so not right in this room.

We have some more choreography, designed to highlight Kristin’s gorgeous gown, along with some polite nods to the peeping chest hair on one of the go-go boys. We get a little carried away with some risky business concerning the boys carrying Kristin along like a gold lamé cigar, but everyone quickly recovers by resorting to the standard “blonde bombshell knocks all the mens off their feet” routine.

With the next segment, we get another nod to Busby, with Kristin cavorting about in front of bodiless hands waving puffy pillows. There’s a quick shot of Kristin being uncertain if her breasts are her own, then we zip back to that faboo couch in the lobby, with Kristin milking it because you can never get enough of classically-sheathed women sprawling on complimentary furniture.

Back to Kristin in the center of all those dancers waving around silicon breast implants, only now the cast is much bigger and leg choreography has been added, creating the image of a morphing, intergalactic plant species. Hopefully somebody got paid some big bucks for this, because it looks mighty fine, in a “tribute to the fertilization of pistils and stamens” kind of way.

Cut to the final act, with Kristin in a modified gold jumper and the entire cast doing something with office chairs and top hats. We have wind fans going, which is always questionable, but Kristen pulls it off, because there’s nothing she can’t pull. (There’s an odd moment when an army of Robert Plant dancers invade, but Kristin calms our nerves by reenacting a Charlie’s Angels hair flip.)

We wind things down with the Robert Plants and Kristin doing a swell drill-team routine. (I’m personally going to take this as a nod to Kristin’s developing days at shared alma mater Broken Arrow High School and the Tigettes, although it’s most likely not. It‘s just important for the Little People to make a connection with their fave stars, even if that link is imaginary and possibly hallucinogenic.)

As the curtain lowers, we get another glimpse of Kristin and the boys polishing the floor of that hotel, check in on Kristin and her bestest buddies at the Hair Salon Where Nobody Frowns, and finally check out with Kristin doing something eyebrow-raising with a hair dryer.

Love. Her.

And killing Pushing Daisies was an absolute crime. Word.

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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