Tuesday, October 5, 2010

10 Interesting Things To Do With a Spork

  Let us all praise the modern technology that resulted in the magnificent plastic combination of a fork and a spoon. So many, many ways to pass your time with such a thing…

  1. Pretend the spork is a microphone and act like you are Cher in the seventh year of her Farewell Tour.

  Hold it just like she used to hold those odd, skinny microphones back when she and Sonny had that TV show and Chastity would come out at the end and stare at the cameras blankly, completely bored. Tromp around the stage like you’re not really invested in it, because you’ve hired so many backup dancers that no one will even notice if you’re moving or not. You don’t have to sing all the words because the audience is singing them for you anyway. Flirt with the queens in the front row, because they’re always there and they will always buy your next album. Oh, and get plastic surgery. We’re going for realism here.

  2. Pretend that the spork is a violent, blood-dripping weapon and that you really hate your co-workers.

  Race into your neighbor’s cube while waving the spork maniacally over your head. (If you can arrange for some homeless people to perform the soundtrack from “Psycho”, your crazed entrance will be even more exciting.) Holler made-up words at your startled cube-mate, and then throw their stapler on the floor and kick it, screaming “Satan’s teeth must die!” (If you do this with enough conviction, your co-worker just might take you seriously and their reaction will change from irritation to slight fear, nervously glancing about for someone to make you stop.) Suddenly lunge toward your former friend and viciously stab the spork into their desk at just the right angle so the business end will snap off and fly through the air, narrowly missing their tender, gulping neck. Then quietly whisper: “I told you not to take my parking space.” Calmly walk away.

  3. Pretend that the spork is a medieval launching device.

  Take the spork to your next family gathering, preferably one where everyone else is trying to watch an important game, huddled around the TV and drinking beer. Take some M&M’s and sit off to one side of the room. Begin loading the candy pellets into the spork and flinging them right into the middle of the noisy, boisterous crowd. It might take them a bit to even notice your efforts, because of the beer and all, but eventually they will. At first, they will think it’s cute, and might even try to catch the airborne treats with their inebriated mouths. Before too long, they will no longer see the humor in the situation and order you to stop. Continue. When one of your beefier relatives comes after you with some barbecue tongs, scream “No one in this family has EVER loved me!” Then turn and run out of the house, making sure the screen door slams.

  4. Pretend that you are having a serious relationship with the spork.

  Take the spork with you to the next happy hour you have with your friends. Insist that the spork have its own chair at the table, right beside you. Get belligerent if anyone questions this. Occasionally reach over and tickle the spork where the spoon attaches to the body. Give the spork a pet name that you make up by combining words on the two nearest beer bottles. For big drama, kiss the spork, using your tongue on the pointy little teeth and growling slightly. When your friends finally tell you to knock it off or leave, look at them with total innocence and say “I want the colors for our wedding to be Blush and Bashful.” Wipe a tear from your eye. Call Sally Field and listen to her cry as well.

  5. Pretend that the spork causes you issues.

  The next time you are in a drive-thru, and they happen to include a spork with your purchase, become psychotic. Look into the bag, make a morally offended noise, rip the spork out of the bag, and wave it at the clueless, gum-chewing cashier, being sure to constantly crinkle the plastic wrapping the whole time, because this will up the creepy factor. Shove the spork right in the cashier’s face and solemnly proclaim “This is NOT what God intended!” Then hurl the spork over the cashier’s shoulder and back into the kitchen, hopefully dinging someone who is just trying to make a bean burrito. If the police arrive, leave.

  6. Dig to China.

  I think you can figure this one out. But be patient, and drink plenty of water. And don’t be all rude and American on the other side. Be nice. And take off your shoes.

  7. Pretend to be an important scientist in the field of Bioengineering.

  Act like you developed the spork yourself, by getting several utensils drunk on Vodka and then handing out Viagra. Name your creation “Dolly” in tribute to that sheep. Call up Oprah’s booking team and demand to appear on her show. When they turn you down, call Ellen’s people. They will let you on only because they know Ellen will really enjoy saying “spork” on national TV.

  8. Pretend that your spork has been spork-napped.

  Make a fake ransom letter. Show it to family members, along with the empty wrapper and small traces of blood. Babble hysterically. Lunge for the phone every single time it rings, taking advantage of the opportunity to knock down family members that you don’t really care for, and then blame it on your emotional stress. Refuse to eat dinner. Sit by the front window, gazing into the night in hopeful anticipation, gasping every time a car drives by, then sinking back into depression. Wear the same clothes for three days. Weep.

  9. Refuse to eat with any other utensil.

  This is also effective at family gatherings, especially if one or more relatives has spent a considerable amount of time making sure the dining table is set just right. When you arrive at the table, take your setting of expensive flatware and shove it into a nearby plant. (Make sure people see you do this, or it’s not as fun.) Use your spork to ladle gravy so that it takes an incredible amount of time. Act really surprised that you cannot effectively spear an olive. When you are unable to cut into your slice of turkey, throw the meat on the ceiling fan. At some point you will be asked to excuse yourself from the table. This is inevitable, but try to set a new time record. Pace yourself.

  10. Pretend to BE a spork.

  Get you hair cut just like Bart Simpson, then dye it black or white, if needed. Wrap yourself in cellophane along with a white blanket folded in a long rectangle. Proceed to the nearest restaurant and lay down on the end of the salad bar next to the to-go boxes. Wait.

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