Friday, October 29, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Divinyls - “I Touch Myself”

Editor’s Note: This is another one of those jump-cut videos where we don’t linger on any one scene longer than a few seconds, so there’s really no point in trying to develop a story. Basically, the lead singer, Christina Amphlett, wanders around some mansion, looking for provocative locations where she can touch herself, and then she does. Rinse and repeat. So we’re just going to do the timestamp thing with this one, mmmkay? Ready, go!

0:02 Some guy playing a guitar.

0:03 Christina pouts her lips.

0:06 Some guy carries a woman across room, as if they just walked in the door after getting hitched. She’s wearing a white dress, but we know this is a lie, because she looks awfully trampy. And we basically get to see some lower cleavage as it bounces toward the camera.

0:10 Christina starts singing, rockin’ that hairstyle which so many found incredibly stimulating back in the day. I suppose it has its charms, but really, how can the poor girl see anything?

0:11 Christina admires her lips in a mirror.

0:15 Chris is wearing just a towel while sprawled on a bed. One of her hands is precariously near the danger zone. I’m expecting Cyndi Lauper to walk in and provide a tutorial.

0:17 Christina singing with the Guitar Guy. Chris seems to be having an issue with her hand stuck to her face.

0:21 Black-and-white shots of people being moody.

0:25 Chris on one of those fancy fainting couches, caressing the fabric with animalistic desire. Or maybe her short-shorts are too tight and she’s signaling for an intervention.

0:28 We start seeing shots of these two girls who don’t sing or anything, but sure like to pose seductively while clutching things like garden hoes and each other.

0:30 Chris and that mirror again, waving goodbye to her anonymity.

0:37 One of the twins appears to have snagged her panties on a chair.

0:39 Christina singing and sort-of dancing with Guitar Man again, but I’m more intrigued by the woman on the left who seems to have been nailed to the door jamb even though her golden dress is really pretty.

0:44 Here come the Sex Twins marching along, wearing super-tight shorts and providing a clear example of how the phrase “camel-toe” originated. They strut right past the tortured woman in the golden dress without even bothering to help. I don’t think I like the Sex Twins. They’re rude.

0:48 Christina back on the fainting couch, where she’s suddenly inspired to purse her lips and flip to the other side of the couch, so we can see one of the Sex Twins. This twin has her head between her legs and is carefully studying her cooter. Not sure what she’s expecting it to do, but it most be something fancy if she has to contort herself like that to get a gander of the goings on.

0:52 Brief glimpse of a hot guy and I’m suddenly inspired to pay more attention.

0:53 More of the Sex Twins, rubbing their backs against one another and chewing gum.

0:58 More of Christina and her Special Towel.

1:06 Christina and another mirror, where she finally seems to be realizing that maybe those bangs of hers are a bit much.

1:08 Another shot of Golden Women, still in the same pose of anguish and suffering. Poor thing. People are still not helping her with whatever her issue might be. In the background, Christina twirls around so we can see she has something frilly on her butt.

1:12 Quick scene of somebody wearing go-go boots while they iron something red.

1:14 The Sex Twin who really enjoys watching her squeeze box is still watching it.

1:21 Number 17 in the ongoing parade of gratuitous cleavage shots.

1:24 More of Christina and her pouty lips, thinking they’re in an Estee Lauder commercial.

1:26 More frilly butt.

1:33 Christina looking like Paula Abdul’s sister just sat on something intrusive.

1:39 Rod Stewart?

1:44 Towel again.

1:45 Couch again.

1:48 Courtney Cox in a Mardi Gras hooker outfit.

1:58 Somebody (maybe one of the Sex Twins, not sure) furtively picks up a phone and calls the SPCA and reports that livestock on the property might be in sexual danger.

2:06 Christina, on the fainting couch, showing us that she can stick her leg straight up in the air and sing at the same time.

2:17 Another somebody (hard to tell with the artsy sunlight) is standing at a window and showing the landscaper outside that she has her own bush that needs tending. She also appears to have velvet ram horns on her head, but I have no idea what that might mean.

2:21 Christina has a brief mental breakdown, messing up her hair in a frenzy of despair. But things must not be too bad, because she manages to keep her lips sexily protruded throughout the psychotic snap.

2:23 Ram Horn Girl turns away from the window and the landscaper, unsatisfied. What did she expect, with that stupid thing on her head? Then again, maybe the landscaper prefers tree trunks to bushes. We’ll never know.

2:26 Christina really, really loves her right leg.

2:32 Is that Helena Bonham-Carter just before she lost her mind and married Tim Burton?

2:35 Some Lady in Red seems to be tormented by the fruit bowl on her left. She then kicks the hated thing over, vowing never to eat citrus again.

2:41 The fruit tumbles downward, spilling all around Cute Guy who has apparently been sleeping on the floor. I’m going to take this as symbolism that he plays on my team. Yay!

2:46 Ram Horn Girl is still looking for love in all the wrong places.

2:52 Christina is suffering from a really bad gas bubble.

2:54 Christina gets poked in the eye. This just isn’t her day.

2:59 Christina has found a stripper pole, so things are suddenly looking up.

3:01 Which inspires Christina to pretend that she’s in “The Sound of Music”.

3:12 The Sex Twins pose seductively in the baptismal chamber at a failed church in Old Mexico, circa 1867.

3:15 Christina sings into the armpit of Golden Girl, because it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. It wasn’t.

3:21 More Ram Girl twirling. Someone should really speak to her about just taking that damn mask off and trying to find a guy the normal way, like getting drunk and wallering around on the pool table in some trashy joint named “Bubba’s Grunt and Run”.

3:25 The Sex Twins want us to be very quiet about the naughty things they have done in the last three minutes. No problem. I’ve already forgotten, trust me.

3:32 Christina violates a potted plant.

3:39 Christina and her lips finally get some rest.

Despite the warbled encouragement, I really don’t want to touch myself. Maybe next time.

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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