Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Nu Shooz - “I Can’t Wait”

We start off with a snapshot of a dog wearing sunglasses, so we already know we’re in trouble. This is quickly followed by wrenches and what might be a voodoo doll being dropped on an odd piece of metal with holes in it. The metal slides to the left, revealing a series of rooms. Hey, there’s that dog again. He’s in the far room, staring at us with no intention of coming near or sharing his kibble. He must be one of those moody dogs that you never quite understand what he might be thinking, and then he tears your arm off.

The camera starts to roll forward, going slowly enough that we can see quirky things happening in the rooms on the sides. Something is flapping, and the dog house has horns, that sort of quirky. Oh, and every so often some Egyptian symbol will fly through the air. We finally get to the dog, and he doesn’t move a muscle despite somebody shoving a camera in his face, so he’s either very well trained or is in a coma. Doesn’t matter, because now we’re focused on the lead singer sitting at a desk, looking slightly bored while waiting on us. (Sorry, I hurried as fast as the camera would let me.)

As we approach the desk, knowing full well that this woman is not going to do anything normal, based on the rest of her apartment, she becomes more active. She opens a wooden box, takes out a glass slide, holds it up to the light, then slaps it back in the box, no longer interested. And all through this, she’s singing the words to the song, so she’s very talented, even if a bit weird. She shoves the box off to the side of the desk, probably so her creepy butler can put it back in its place later before he heads off to a graveyard or Satan’s lair.

The lead singer (I think her name is Valerie, so let’s call her that) turns to the other side of the desk and picks up what looks like a double boiler from 1857, but I really don’t know what it is. Valerie opens the thing and pulls out something flopping that looks like a baby shark. Well, that doesn’t really satisfy her, so she tosses the thing next to the slide box, so the poor butler is going to be very busy with restocking before he can run off to his satanic appointment.

Next, Valerie reaches into the drawer of a nearby stand, and pulls out one of those tool-pouch things that you can unroll, so absolutely anything is possible at this point. She grabs a pair of needle-nosed pliers and starts jacking with the lid of the double pot, probably adjusting the settings so it will start making coffee again and not things that can bite you. A giant magnet hovers over her head while she does this, so apparently the process requires a magnetic force of some kind. Oh, and the dog floats by in the middle of the screen, trapped in a box with a porthole, and he’s watching a combination lock swing back and forth.

I told you we were going to be in trouble.

Turns out that jacking with the pot lid didn’t do the trick, so now Valerie grabs the wicked devil-brewer and holds it in front of her. We can’t see her face now, but she must have chanted a spell, because suddenly the coffee pot turns into an old-timey drawing like Jules Verne might have made, and the diagram starts breaking into various sections. This mess is overlaid with another image of Valerie, where she sings the “when you look into my eyes” bit of the lyric, then touches her head so that lightning bolts and warning symbols can fly out of her forehead. (Which means that you should never play around with giant magnets while unsupervised, or deadly forces will build up in your body. Watch and learn, people.)

Back to the first Valerie, still messing around with the coffee pot. She’s got a screwdriver now, which doesn’t seem like a really good idea with all the electricity flying around. And there’s that dog again, still trapped in whatever and watching the lock swivel back and forth. Oh wait, here’s another box with the same dog, only now he’s watching a strange deck of cards that somebody pierced with drink stirrers. The poor dog. You know he didn’t ask for any of this. I hope he fired his agent when they got done with the shoot.

Most troubling about the floating dogs is the fact that we can’t see what Valerie is up to, and that can’t possibly be a good thing. She realizes this at the same time, and knocks the doggie boxes to the side. But it’s too late, she’s already worked her mischief with the coffee pot and is setting it back in place on the desk. She makes a gesture like an irate Italian grandmother, and then packs up her tools. We may never know what horrible things she did to that appliance.

Finally, Valerie grabs yet another box and pops it open. This unleashes hundreds of those Egyptian symbols to fly about the room. She snags something in the box, and then slaps the lid back on. She’s now fiddling with somebody’s false teeth. They aren’t hers, because they clearly are way to big to fit into her mouth, which is just nasty. Valerie obviously had a very unstructured upbringing if she doesn’t understand that it’s not right to play with other people’s teeth, even if that person doesn’t need them anymore.

Valerie makes the teeth sing along with her in a musical duo that will never win a Grammy. The song and the video fade.

No word on whether or not the dog ever got out of that box. Or the other box. Or… I really don’t think it matters.


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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