Monday, October 11, 2010

Random Quotes from the Oak Cliff Tour of Homes

  The Old Oak Cliff Conservation League held it’s annual fall tour of homes this past weekend. We got to visit some really nice houses, but of course I can’t help but poke a little fun…

  “This place has more mirrors than Versailles. Are they going to be signing a treaty?”

  “Who in their right mind would want a 7,000 square foot house?”

  “Why would the homeowners set out a picture of them French-kissing? I haven’t seen that much tongue since Grandpa would throw out a saltlick back on the farm.”

  “Did Betsy Ross explode in here?”

  “Ostrich feathers? Seriously?”

  “I used to like the color blue until this room happened.”

  “Okay, they make us take off our shoes so we wouldn’t mar their precious hardwood floors, yet there goes the homeowner dragging along a dog with dagger claws. Uh huh.”

  “They restored this house to look like it did before the big fire? I see. Did anybody stop to think that the fire might have been justified?”

  “Why is the homeowner already drunk?”

  “Do they not realize that putting up a sign that says ‘Please don’t open this door’ is only going to inspire some queen to do just that?”

  “You know, ‘original appliances’ doesn’t necessarily mean working or pretty. Sometimes it just means old.”

  “The only thing you didn’t change was this one doorknob? Then why did you buy the house? Couldn’t you have just had a new house built the way you wanted?”

  “What kind of jobs do these people have that they can afford to do this?”

  “”I really don’t understand why this room is here.”

  “Do you smell mothballs? Do you think it’s on purpose.”

  “What’s up with the giant picture of the homeowner? His eyeball is bigger than my head.”

  “I don’t even want to walk through this room, never mind live in it.”

  “Is that Mahatma Gandhi?”

  “These stepping stones lead nowhere. Why would you want to come to this part of the yard if there’s nothing here?”

  “The guest house doesn’t have a bed? Did somebody miss a class?”

  “You can tell that nobody has ever actually been in that pool.”

  “A TV in the shower? Are you that good at cleaning yourself that you don’t even have to look?”

  “Of course they just laid this sod down. The landscaper is hiding behind that banana tree over there.”

  “I guess the neighbors don’t mind that the wall of your bathroom is all glass. Do you sell tickets?”

  “They clearly don’t have any kids.”

  “Nothing says classy like a dead roach on your hand-carved balcony.”

  “Is that a headboard or a landing pad?”

  “Yes, it is possible to have too many pillows.”

  “Thank you for repeating it, but I understood the first five times you mentioned it that you are only the third owner of the house. Am I supposed to give you a prize of some kind?”

  “God, that dining table is busy. How do you find the actual food?”

  “Did we just wander into a convent?”

  “Sometimes you really shouldn’t listen to the voices in your head.”

  “Oh, look, they make their own beer. Let’s move in.”

  “Let’s see, you hired a project manager, an architect, an interior designer, a florist, and two stand-by consultants. Basically, you just wrote checks. You didn’t actually do anything. So, help me understand why you have this award displayed for best restoration of a Tudor. Or did you pay for that, too?”

  “That chair was not meant for humans.”

  “No, I really don’t think you’re supposed to take that.”

  “Like that’s going to survive a Texas summer.”

  “You might want to check on that older lady in the corner. She was in that same outfit and position when we came through yesterday.”

  “Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than the fact that you can’t even afford the candles in this place.”

  “Imported marble tile, 200 bucks a square foot. But the bathroom door won’t even close right.”

  “I haven’t seen this many gay people since Princess Diana’s funeral.”

  “And you wanted those curtains to look like that, right?”

  “Was there a building code that made you do that?”

  “If they don’t turn off that Enya album, I’m going to cut somebody.”

  “No, I don’t own this house. If I did, you people wouldn’t be in here.”

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