Friday, October 1, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Nelly - “Just A Dream”

To be fair, the song title has “dream” in it, so this gives Nelly and his production crew some leeway in getting a little odd with the goings on. And trust me, they jump the rails a bit. But as with any dream, the events that unfold are up to an individual’s interpretation. So let’s make this all about me, shall we? Here goes.

Things seem relatively calm right at first, with some nice ocean waves splashing about and such. Then suddenly we see this car floating in the air above the pretty ocean. (Don’t ask me what kind of car. It has four wheels. I just know where to put the gasoline. End of my skills with cars.) Next thing you know the car is sitting on the beach, so either the dilithium crystals burned out or God got tired of holding it up, I don’t know.

I think Nelly’s inside the car, but it’s hard to tell and it could be anybody. Then the car’s back in the air again. Then it’s back on the beach with some sad girl gazing at where Nelly would be sitting in the driver’s seat if it’s really him in the car. They’ve already lost me and we’re only 15 seconds into the video.

Then Nelly starts singing, so you can at least listen to that if the imagery is just really too much to process. The girl is still staring at Nelly, so she’s not concerned about being in a car that can fly. They hold hands and stuff, then suddenly the girl (let’s call her Imelda) is standing on the beach by herself, with an expression indicating dissatisfaction with her day. Then we see Nelly getting out of his car and looking a bit blue about Imelda jumping out of the car just when they got to first base.

Whoops, now the car’s in the air again, and Nelly’s leaning out the window and hollering the lyrics. Is he looking for the girl? Or is he wanting to know why the flight attendant hasn’t brought him any peanuts? Oh wait, now Nelly’s standing in the middle of some road, doing some dance moves, so I guess he got bored with the car. Wait, he’s back in the car, and then it’s in the air again, over the ocean, and a giant wedding ring is spinning on top of the water.

People. What the hell is going on here?

Well, now somebody’s floating under the water, and they really don’t look like they’re in a happy place. It’s a woman, but I’m not sure if it’s Imelda, although the last time we saw her she was standing suspiciously near the water. Was she so scared of the giant ring that she decided to drown herself? Sort of a stupid reaction, but people do silly things when confronted with enormous jewelry.

Oh look, Nelly’s under the water, too, and he has conveniently lost his shirt so that we can see the intricate tattoo on his left pec. Thanks, Nelly, always thinking of your fans. Then he’s back on the odd road and kind of shimmying to the song. Something appears to be wrong with the camera, but maybe it’s the salty air.

Back in the water, with Nelly and someone embracing lustily, but we really can’t see who his partner might be, because some fool has created a lot of bubbles in the water. (Maybe somebody had too much cabbage at the German festival.) Then we have several jump shots of the flying car, the flying ring, Imelda running like hell down the beach, and Nelly wandering along the same beach, apparently at a different time because the sunlight looks different, with him not the least bit concerned about giant objects in the sky.

Long shot of Imelda still running down the beach, either trying to escape the weird giant ring of death or looking for her pharmacist so he can adjust her medication. I hope she makes it, because then she can go on Oprah and tell everybody what really happened.

Now we have Nelly actually driving around in the car, on streets and not clouds, and he spies what might be Imelda, now dried out and looking kind of trampy on a street corner. Before we can figure out if maybe these two met via the Hugh Grant-Divine Brown method, we’re back in the damn ocean with Nelly and friend doing some type of underwater ballet.

Hold up, now we’re in a nightclub, with Nelly on a couch, and the camera showing us that the club has really interesting wallpaper. He whips out his cell phone and punches some buttons, which transports him back to the beach where the car and the giant ring are still hovering in the sky. Nelly is still not scared of these things, and sings on the beach about how he wishes Imelda would come back and not be so bitchy about large things that scare her.

Suddenly what might be some modular housing appears in the sky and bursts into flames. I really don’t see how this can be good. Perhaps Imelda and her coven of witches are sending a signal to Nelly. Your apartment sucks. Call a decorator.

Oh look, now the giant ring is on fire as well. And there goes the floating car up in flames as well. Somebody really hates things in the sky that shouldn’t be there. Can’t say that I blame them.

While the airborne barbecue is taking place, we keep getting shots of seductive couples slinkily rubbing against each other in that nightclub. I guess the message is here is that even if the sky is filled with burning vehicles and you might die, just keep showing off your smooth dance moves to the ladies and everything will be just fine.

Now we have a close-up of someone’s eye, and a woman bursts through the cornea.

Are they serious with this?

Then we see the burning things in the sky starting to disintegrate and fall to the beach, even though Nelly doesn’t run away like a normal person would. Then we have another zoom shot on an eye, and this time the cornea breaks outward like shattered glass.

Okay, who on the writing staff for this thing had a really bad time at the optometrist? I won’t judge, just tell me. We can get you some help.

Oh look, there’s Imelda on the beach again, not running, and staring at the camera like we are somehow personally responsible for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life. Cut to Nelly with his cell phone again, trying to call someone, but one of his posse walks by and interrupts, so we will never know if the call went through. I’m not sure if I can continue living not knowing that.

Another close-up of an eye, with something liquid (maybe a jellyfish?) shooting out of the cornea. Really not comfortable with these scenes of foreign objects using eyeballs as mass transit. Very disturbing. I’d rather watch a giant flaming ring cause Imelda to run for her life while sand crabs snip at her French-manicured toes.

Then the camera zooms in on Nelly’s disintegrating eyeball (look, I already mentioned that I don’t care for this imagery) and we actually go inside his eyeball, where a woman is sinking into the ocean depths, wearing one of those dumb-ass high-couture bathing suits that cannot possibly be comfortable no matter how many margaritas you’ve had.

Nelly drifts up to her, and they briefly touch hands (just like that painting on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, except that one involved God and Adam, and surely that wasn’t Nelly’s intention here). The woman floats away and the song ends.

These people really need some therapy.

Not that I don’t.

Just sayin.


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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