Saturday, October 16, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Brandon Flowers - “Crossfire”

We start out rather slowly, with a close-up on Brandon’s face. He seems to be studying something on the ground off to the side, but no explanation is given. The camera lingers for quite some time, apparently so we can be sure to notice that Brandon has been in some type of physical violence and his cute little nose has been damaged in some way. Poor thing. The life of a rockstar is really, really hard.

Okay, Brandon, you’ve been staring at whatever for too long now. Do something.

Oh, he finally does, warbling the opening part of the song. This triggers the camera person to start walking backwards, so we can see that Brandon is wearing an outfit circa “Bonnie and Clyde”. We can also see something to the left of Brandon that looks like Lady Gaga left her props out after an especially exuberant performance at the American Music Awards. Something involving bondage and swarthy characters running amuck.

Brandon keeps singing, while the camera person keeps walking backwards, apparently into another region of the country. Suddenly, for no discernible reason, some guy holding something flaming flies through the air and lands on Gaga’s leftover props. I really have no idea what that might mean.

Then some woman comes marching into the… warehouse?… where Brandon is warbling. At first, it looks like Sarah Michelle Gellar, so I’m all ready with some Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Joss Whedon comebacks. But as she gets closer and stares at possibly wimpy Brandon, I see that she’s way too tall to be the Girl from Sunnydale. As Brandon gazes at his savior, she guts some Ninja guy running in the door behind her without even checking to see who it is. She hawt, and Brandon smiles.

Next up, Brandon is somewhere else, once again held captive and standing in front of what looks like mattress springs. He’s a little more tattered than before, so I guess it hasn’t been a really happy time for him. There’s more Ninja people running about, and one of them rudely throws a bucket of water on Brandon. He just puts up with it and waits to be rescued. Not really sure that Brandon is coming off in a good light here.

No matter, he keeps singing, because after all this is HIS video. The Ninjas prance around and prepare implements of considerable pain while Brandon remains framed by the mattress springs. Suddenly, something like tear gas erupts, causing the Ninjas to assume slightly-stupid confrontational poses and brace themselves for what might be coming their way.

And that would be Too-Tall Buffy, coming down an elevator shaft without using the elevator and hanging upside down with her hair in a cute little ponytail. In a surprising example of random Animal Planet violence, she whips out these star disk things and nails the two Ninjas in the forehead. They collapse to the floor, because really, who’s going to argue with accurately-thrown metal projectiles? Big Buffy drops out of the elevator shaft and stares at Brandon, with him gazing back like “my bad, got trussed up again in a discount mattress warehouse. Did you pick up a pizza on your way here? Kinda hungry.”

Big Buffy doesn’t really say anything, but she does manage to take out another Ninja with a strategically-placed elbow thrust. Brandon smirks like he can’t wait to have the same thing happen to him when both of them are naked. I’m thinking somebody has some sexual fixation issues that Oprah won’t even dare talk about.

Now we have Big Buffy driving some truck, and still able to annihilate random Ninja

people springing out of the shadows, without Buffy even breaking a sweat. Buffy is really starting to scare me. I mean, it’s nice that she’s got Brandon’s back, but seriously, does she have to kill everyone?

Apparently she does. More deadly mayhem transpires as Big Buffy single-handedly eliminates everyone wearing a hooded ski mask. Once the thugs are immobilized, Big Buffy marches into yet another warehouse and whips out a giant sword thing. Maybe she’ll use it to cut the umbilical cord between Brandon and his Mommy. Let’s hope so, because Brandon clearly has some functional issues. What the hell is he doing that keeps pissing off the Ninjas?

Big Buffy kills one remaining Ninja who apparently was watching “Seinfeld” in another room, and didn’t understand this his black-clad brothers might need some assistance. She then marches into another part of the warehouse where Brandon is hanging upside down and waiting to be rescued once again. She stares at him while he makes a smirky face, along the lines of “good to see you again, thanks for saving me once more from homicidal, attention-deficit Ninja-fixated people. I’m worthless in physical situations wherein I need to prevent people from killing me.”

Cut to Brandon and Big Buffy in her startlingly macho pickup, headed off to who knows where. Buffy gives him a look like “dude, can you not do anything?” Brandon and his battered face indicate that the answer is a resounding, non-lethal “no”. Buffy sighs, driving the truck with one hand while using the other to pull Brandon closer to her so he can whimper in her armpit.

Fade to black.


Seriously, the song is great. But the message of the video? I have no idea. Something about do whatever the hell you want, even if it pisses off Ninjas, because blonde-haired women are waiting right around the corner and will rescue you at the precise moment when your failure to be all that you can be becomes most evident…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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