Saturday, October 16, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Bow Wow Wow - “I Want Candy”

We start off with what looks like an album cover splashing onto the sand as an ocean wave rolls in, then we cut to an aerial view of what might be a remote “Survivor” camp. Quick shot of some dude wearing sunglasses, then a shot of the lead singer splashing around in the ocean waves. While all of this is going on, some tech person is making everything look really purple. No idea what this means. Then again, I don’t think this band ever really knew what they were doing.

We start cutting between zooming into the remote camp and lead singer Annabella enjoying the foaming waves far more than one would expect. Oh look, now we’re finally at the camp, and there’s the band playing their instruments in the sand. (I think it’s fair to say that none of these people went to a hair salon anywhere near you.) We get close-ups of the guitar players, as well as the drummer, who is smiling as if one of his drumsticks got misplaced and he really likes where it ended up.

Shot of some of the band members buried in the sand up to their necks, theirs heads bopping to the beat. (Note to everyone who knows me: I don’t ever want to be buried in the sand like that. Not my thing. Nope.) There are giant candy canes randomly shoved into the ground, because that’s something you always see in the African desert. Wildebeest, Hippos, and giant pillars of sugar. That’s what everybody talks about when they go on a safari, right?

Whoops, Annabella leaps out from behind one of the candy canes and starts bellowing the song. She’s wearing some sack dress that looks vaguely tribal, but could also be a window curtain from a trendy West End eatery. Someone has accessorized her with an odd hat. She’s apparently been told that waving your arms and bucking your hips is called “dancing”. She does this a lot.

Back to the guys buried in the sand, but now Annabella’s joined them, and she’s lost that hat, so now we can see her trademark mohawked hairdo. (Drugs were plentiful in the early 80’s, what can I say? Lift up any rock and you could find brightly-colored pills, rubber bracelets, and a subscription form for “Interview” magazine.) Annabella is not buried like the others, though, bouncing around on the sand in an outfit designed to accentuate the fact that she might not be wearing panties.

Zip back over to the band playing, and another mohawked somebody is trying to impress us with his smooth guitar moves. I’m really not, and this is the most boring part of the video. Where’s the bouncing girl and her liberated couture?

There she is, still with the buried guys, and still not really understanding how to dance, jerking awkwardly. (Perhaps she also found the drummer’s missing drumstick?) Now she’s in the sack dress again, trying to remain standing up in the shifting sand. In the background, the sad giant candy canes are leaning precariously. There clearly wasn’t a really big budget on this video.

Sudden close-up of Annabella licking a malformed ice cream cone. I suppose it was meant to be sexy, but all you can do is stare at her (missing) hair and wonder, where did you read that that looked good? They lied to you.

Now Annabella is running about and playing tag with the giant candy canes. (Perhaps someone should tell her that if she’s the only one playing, she can’t actually win. Candy canes don’t know how to run, so it’s not really fair.)

Next up, a montage of the boring guitar players, the weird purple sky, sand, and Annabella jumping in the air and screaming “Yeah!”, like no one has ever done that before. (The drummer is still very happy, in case you were wondering.)

Back to Annabella in her peekaboo dress, still shimmying and rocking to tantalize us about the panty factor. She whips her braided mohawk around like she’s trying to take flight. Then she apparently gets cold, because she hugs herself but doesn’t dare let go of her designer sunglasses, which is probably the most expensive item on this whole shoot. Then she does a convulsive dance move indicating a jellyfish just bit her on the ass.

Now she’s back in the sack dress, playing tag once more with the sand-blasted and decaying candy canes. More guitar playing (stop doing that, no one cares). The song winds down as Annabella wanders into the purple ocean, then turns to look at us seductively before turning back and plunging into the ocean to wash off the funk of this video.

The drummer’s still happy, though. He and the drumstick later had a commitment ceremony on a nearby island…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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